Part of a permanency series featuring intersections of child welfare and mental health practice, voiced by PACC alumni

Compiled by Keely Vandre, MSW, LGSW, PACC Coordinator

While indeed trying to address and curb destructive behaviors displayed by their child, I often witness some rock-star foster parents who do not appear desperate to change or fix the child. Instead, these parents seek to dance with the child’s behaviors, knowing they are communicating layers of complex relational trauma. Interestingly, this gentle dance from the parents appears to decrease the conflicts in the home as well as increase behavioral change in the child.

— Adam Arnold, MA, LMFT, LADC 

One of the best moments I’ve experienced working with foster parents is when they are willing to get down on the child’s level and rumble with their emotions and experiences. To use the term coined by Brené Brown, “rumble” means to have a real conversation – even if it’s tough – and to stick with the messy middle of problem solving. During a visit at a foster home, we did just that. When their 8-year-old arrived home from school, we could see she was having a tough day. The foster parent greeted the child and when she collapsed on the floor, mom went to the floor with her. This was the child’s 5th foster care placement since coming into care the previous year. The willingness of the parent to meet the child in the place where she was at and just experience the emotions the 8-year-old was feeling was wonderful. This foster parent wasn’t trying to solve the child’s issues or tell her it was going to be ok, she was just there and present with her in that moment of exhaustion and unknowing. Eventually, it led to the 8-year-old processing she wasn’t going back to her mom, and was worried that if she let go of all her bad memories, she would forget all about her mom. By the end of the visit, we were all sitting on the floor, passing a plate of brownies to one another to enjoy. Foster parents succeed when they can connect with the emotion the child is feeling, lean in and rumble.

—Stephanie Morse, MSW, LICSW

A family I am working with keeps on using strength based language, even when the children are going through a bad day or week, struggling with behavior. For example, during IEP meetings they set a positive tone by identifying the children’s positives first, and then might go into what may be a challenge for them. Even when this family is feeling frustrated and at a low point, they will always use positive words to describe the kiddos and what their hopes are in supporting their success.

—Mike Arieta, MSW, LICSW, LCSW, PACC

I had a large family group of siblings with an extremely strong bond, but due to the extensive nature of behaviors, they had to be split up as they could not heal while living together. We ended up placing the kids in 4 different foster families, and getting a commitment from each to maintain relationships and facilitate connection among the children in any way that was healthy and positive, even though they are scattered across the quadrants of Minnesota. Flash-forward several years… multiple birthday and holiday cards, school pictures, skype visits, phone calls between parents to piece together new bits of information about the past, and parental support for out-of-this world behaviors… the children have their first sibling visit scheduled for this summer, and have been able to move past their abuse and work on new ways to interact with each other. They have a shared history that only they can understand, but with the tenacity of committed foster parents, and now adoptive parents (some of whom were their foster parents) they have been able to keep their relationship as siblings. That never would have been possible without the extensive work and commitment of the families!

—Neree Jackson, BA, BS

In conversations with older youth and adults who have experienced foster and adoptive homes, the lesson they have shared again and again is the critical importance of racial mirrors. When I work with prospective and current foster and adoptive families, I invite them to reflect on these questions: does your kid see themselves in the community in which they live? Do they see themselves in the doctors and the teachers they visit? Do they see people who look like them in your friends group, or only when they’re passing through another neighborhood on the way to somewhere else? These questions are big, big deals for our kids, and foster families that ensure their children have access to racial mirrors helps their healthy development and continuing connection to their world.

—Ed Morales, MPP, MSW, LICSW

As a therapist working primarily with adoptive families and kids in foster care, there are three qualities I have observed in foster/adoptive parents that seem to have the best outcomes and the happiest, most well-adjusted children: flexibility, humility and having a sense of humor. These traits lend themselves to navigating the difficult, complex and emotion-laden situations that foster care and adoption naturally produce. The first, flexibility, is essential, as there are many situations/feelings/changes that arise out of foster care that we cannot possibly predict, and being able to ‘go with the flow’ as much as possible is a gift both to parent and child. If we as foster/adoptive parents get bent out of shape over small matters, it is possible that we are contributing to the problem and not providing the support they so need. Second, having an attitude of humility is helpful, especially when faced with transracial/multicultural family issues, when we must step back and take on the attitude of a student by learning and celebrating new cultures, exploring white privilege and the biases we may have due to our own histories and experiences. Willingness to learn and attitude of humility go far in helping connect with our foster/adoptive children of a different race, ethnicity or culture. Lastly, having a sense of humor is absolutely crucial, as there are bound to be moments on a daily basis when we may either cry, yell or laugh. Families do better when parents choose the option that connects rather than separates, and repairs rather than divides.

—Sara Barber, MA, LPCC

Learn More About National Foster Care Month!